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Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday.
Re Reunion Reluctance: I am from a deeply religious, Mormon family, my coming out was catastrophic, and I did not speak to my parents for nearly five years afterwards. The first time I came to a family gathering after taking the first baby steps into reconciliation, I had my then-boyfriend with me, and some very cruel, bigoted, and nasty things were said by certain members of the family, and my boyfriend handled it like a champ. I did not want to take him to the reunion because of it, even though my cousins were and still are a lot more loving and accepting than my own family. He wouldn’t hear of it and happily came along, and we ignored the snide comments and the siblings who took their kids back to their cabin anytime we were around. I didn’t end up in a long-term relationship with him; he moved for a job, and we decided to just let it go on a high note.
But all the times we calmly showed up and were just nice and pleasant had an effect on my whole religious family. They couldn’t keep up the bigotry in the face of two decent and kind guys just living their lives authentically. My relationship with my parents became really close, and my nieces and nephews started telling their parents that they didn’t want to listen to them bad-talking their uncle when they preached “love one another” in church, but then talk hatefully about their own brother. I met and married my husband some years later, and we still go to reunions and visit my siblings and parents when I get back to my hometown. I sometimes think my mom likes my husband even more than me (I jest, but only sort of). The effect it had on my nieces and nephews, though, is the real benefit. They are kind, loving, accepting young people whom I am so proud of. I am grateful to my ex every time I head home for sticking with me while weathering the hate that some folks have.
I would tell the writer not to do anything they don’t think they can handle or that would make them feel unsafe, but sometimes it is the simple act of showing up and being yourselves that brings people around and forces them to confront their bigotry. Plus, you never know which niece or nephew might desperately need to see you living your authentic lives to give them hope and courage to weather their own situation and love their queerness despite the messaging they might be getting from church leaders or their own families. I have had the pleasure of being the first coming out phone call three different times now from nieces, nephews, and my cousins’ kids. It has been a great joy to me that they came to me for advice on how to handle the conversation about leaving the church and living as themselves, and I like to think that I have helped make it so much easier for them than I had it back in the ‘90s, and that’s a truly remarkable thing. Good luck to LW, I wish the best for you and your fiancé.
This is a great perspective. Thank you!
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I think we are missing a lot of information from Garage Sale Grumblings. While the letter writer is convinced that the attic is full of things they don’t use or need, I have to wonder if his wife really feels the same way. There may be items she’s not using, but also isn’t quite ready to let go of. Another thing Garage Sale Grumblings fails to consider is the amount of work required to have a garage sale versus simply donating items. Supposing the attic itself is easily accessible, and the items therein are regularly maintained and dusted, and both the LW and their wife know exactly what’s up there (which I suspect isn’t the case, but let’s say it is just for the sake of argument), there is still a hefty amount of prep work that goes into having a garage sale, not to mention working the sale itself. And then, after all that, one must still load up the unsold items in the car and take them to a charity or secondhand shop. Even posting something for sale online requires the mental labor of answering messages, setting up meet times, and ensuring smooth transactions.
By contrast, all one has to do to donate is to load things up and take them to an appropriate charity or secondhand shop. Given what the LW has said about the situation, I have to suspect that the wife is either not ready to part with her belongings or doesn’t want to put in the requisite mental and physical labor. It’s worth having a conversation to find out which. If it’s the former, the LW would do well to find their own belongings in the attic and around the house that could be gotten rid of. If it’s the latter, the LW might have more luck if they promise their wife that the LW will handle all the heavy lifting (literally and figuratively) in order to make the garage sale or online sales happen.
The last point to consider is that, of course, it isn’t really about the garage sale, but a fundamental difference in values for which this topic has become a flash point. Regardless, the LW should broach the topic from a place of trying to understand their wife’s point of view, and really listen to what she is trying to communicate.
It does sound to me like the wife is willing to part with the stuff by donating it. But I agree that her weirdly intense reaction to the idea of a garage sale could be standing in for some deeper feelings about who knows what. And yes, any option other than leaving all the stuff in the attic forever is going to involve some time, some sweat, and, if my experience is any indication, way too many messages to coordinate a neighbor picking up something that’s free.
Re Garage Sale Grumbling: I don’t think Garage Sales are tacky. In fact, I shopped at a garage sale just yesterday and scored two much-needed, beautiful ceramic planters for $20. Yay!
HOWEVER, I’m with your wife in that I refuse to host garage sales of my own. This is due to terrible experiences with garage sales in the past. During our final garage sale, this Crazy Woman showed up as we were still setting up for the day. She somehow snuck past us, entered our home (we had the door locked most of the time, but had been going in and out during setup), went upstairs to our kids’ bedroom, and came out carrying a disgusting, very full Diaper Genie. She offered us $10 for the thing—dirty diapers included. NEVER AGAIN!
My advice: Haul that stuff to the donation center or dump/recycling. Garage sales are just not worth the hassle. If you use social media, you can simply post on a swap or free stuff group and leave items on your front lawn for pick up. If your area is anything like mine, it will be gone by the end of the day. More valuable furniture can be sold through a consignment shop or, if you use social media, Facebook Marketplace.
Wow, the diaper pail home invasion story opens up a whole new set of possibilities about the consequences of holding a garage sale. Tackiness was the least of their concerns! For what it’s worth, I agree they’re not tacky but just a huge hassle that’s not worth it.
I would suggest to anyone contemplating hosting one to think about how much they might realistically bring in and compare it to the value of their item. For example, if you would devote your whole day to the sale in order to make $40, maybe that time would be better spent meal prepping so that you don’t waste money eating out the following week, or studying up on YouTube and doing a home repair that you’d otherwise have to hire a handyman for.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the couple who bring their baby with them are the only parents in No Baby on Board’s friend group. It sounds like they’re all on the younger side, so I’m also going to assume that they’re new parents and we’re talking about an infant (under 18 months, non-verbal, not walking). This would explain the letter writer’s lack of empathy and understanding—a little of which would go a long way in this situation (and really, isn’t that what friends do?).
It is hard being the first in your friend group to have a baby, especially when it comes to social gatherings. Aside from the practical considerations (breastfeeding, having a reliable sitter), there are also emotional considerations (it is immensely challenging to leave one’s infant alone, especially for the first time). The obvious reason they’re bringing the baby is so that both parents can attend the social gathering together and have a bit of a break, rather than one parent attending and the other staying home with the baby (and probably feeling left out, knowing their spouse and friends are having fun).
I don’t get the sense that anyone in the friend group has had a conversation with the parents about not bringing their baby places or why doing so has been problematic. Because the LW is supposedly friends with this couple, why not have a conversation with them as their friend? Ask them how new parenthood is going, how they are balancing everything, and where they are struggling. This would give them insight into what’s going on with the parents. If having the baby around truly does spoil everyone else’s good time (and they really do want to continue to be social with the parents, sans baby), then the best way to approach the situation would be to plan things with enough advanced notice that the parents are able to get a babysitter. If they don’t have one, perhaps one of the group members knows someone who is capable of providing responsible infant care (and is within the parents’ price range). Bottom line—these people are your friends. Are you theirs?
All of your ideas are good. However, I think any friends who don’t naturally try to be understanding and accommodating of new parents are probably friends who are not that interested in adjusting to this new phase of life, which is fine. Some friendships are meant to survive this era and take on a new shape, and others were great while they lasted.
Re Bald and Beautiful?: Check out subReddit r/bald. Often called the nicest corner on the internet. It truly is. This is a good resource for you to know about.
I just went to take a look, and you are right. I was tempted to shave my own head to get access to some of the compliments that are being given out over there!
This is such a good idea! I’ve suggested something similar to people struggling to feel good about their bodies. Even if he doesn’t say positive things about the bald celebs, I think just passively taking in their images would help a lot.
My husband “Ken” and I got married when we were 27. We’d been dating for three years and built a life around the activities we loved doing—hiking, cycling, cross-country skiing, and many other active pursuits. Four years into our marriage, Ken was diagnosed with a chronic, incurable condition which flares up with no warning and is only somewhat controllable. He will deal with this for the rest of his life.